It’s a well known fact that in many cultures it is traditional for people to grow old. This procedure is lengthy and involved.

I decided to take a closer look at what I can expect when I begin to grow old.

From my research, I learned that there are several choices available to me in how my old age will manifest itself. These choices are as follows:

Crusty Stalwart: My favoured choice, the crusty stalwart will fervently smoke a pipe, and resemble a retired military general, regardless of what his actual career was.

Grouch: The Grouch will rely on a stick to help him or her get around, except when some young upstart gets in the way. Then, the stick becomes a vital tool in educating “today’s youth”. It can be used for important messages that can only be conveyed with simultaneous poking, and very occasionally to hit errant dogs.

Classic: The Classic old person will always need everything repeating twice, and every day will require the concept of a VCR to be explained. The Classic will also be amazed at modern technology, such as cars and calculators.

Minature and silent: M&S types will grow to approximately 25% of their original height. Their cheeks will become level with their nipples and they will never talk.

There are, it turns out, some add-on packages that I can supplement my oldness with:

The Unnecessary Racism pack, when installed to an old person, allows them to make racist comments at high volume without fear of reprisal.

The They’re After Me Megapack allows the old person in question to regard everyone with suspicion, to the point of demanding an ID for the refuse collection people. This can be linked with the Surveillance pack, which enables the old person to know everything happening around them in a radius of 500 metres. This is achieved with extra hardware being installed, including night vision, infa red scope, radar, lidar, and JSTARS satallite support.

Old Person Packs are available now from all branches of Woolworths.